Having a Peaceful Holiday

The holidays can be a wonderful time for families. But, they can also be filled with tensions over old conflicts or unresolved issues. These issues can range from jealousy over how a parent may have treated a sibling to being angry over a family decision made long ago without your input.

During this season we are constantly reminded that it is one of peace, love, joy and charity. Our feelings begin running high and it is this intensity that may make us feel more loving and understanding than at any other time during the year. Because of this, the holiday season can be an opportune time to change your relationship with a sibling. It may not result in total love for them, but it could make for a more civil relationship.

Where do you start in the healing process? Take a look at yourself and your sibling through the eyes of the adults you are now, not through the eyes of the children you once were. Recognize that you have a very deep intimacy that can make it harder to resolve and live with these conflicts. Your sibling is someone who knows what you were like before you developed defenses or your own self-image that can make it scary to tackle old issues. You know each other so well that each knows how to push the other's buttons.

It is this fear of being vulnerable that can keep us locked into old roles and views of not just our siblings but of ourselves.

When you first begin to change a relationship with a sibling it usually helps to consult a third party who can see what both you and your sibling are doing to perpetuate the conflict. This person could be your spouse, a good friend or a trusted member of the clergy. This person may recognize that you are being your own worst enemy by trying to keep emotional distance from your sibling. They may also point out that you are the only one saying your sibling is difficult. Who ever it is you choose to consult with, it is important that they be someone who will tell you the honest view, even if it is not one sympathetic to your own.

Understanding where we are and how we contribute to a situation can be the second step in finding a resolution. As we grow and move away from home we may come to realize that our love for a third person is a reason to address an old conflict. It may be to please an aging parent or to include an aunt or uncle in our children's lives. Changing a relationship with a sibling is also a self healing experience. Letting go of jealousy over a pretty sister, for example, can help you feel less threatened by other pretty women which in turn could have a positive impact on a relationship with a significant other.

Once you have a better handle on what and why, you can move on to the third stage of reconciling -- taking the risk of acting differently.

The risk of trying a new approach is scary, but it can also give your sibling a new view on an old conflict. Sometimes, both people become blind to what's really happening. By changing your actions and reactions toward your sibling, you may help them shed some light on their own contributions to the conflict.

In the beginning, things will seem a little awkward and uncomfortable But, you must remember that it has taken awhile for this conflict to develop and it is going to take some time to get things resolved. Don't be surprised if your sibling is a bit hesitant to reciprocate your kindness at first.

If you're struggling for a way to begin the healing process, here are some wonderful ideas that may help get you started.

• Catch your sibling doing something right and praise it.
• Drop your guard and share something that your sibling doesn't expect.
• Play to their strength and ask for help in an area they have expertise in.
• Open the door to resolution by inviting them to a movie or in on a joke that has been only between you and another sibling.
• Have the BIG talk and acknowledge the strain on your relationship.
• Get physical and recapture some of that youth by giving a hug or a kiss.

These kinds of resolutions take lots of courage and faith, but can be well worth the difficulty.

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